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It's Tuesday. There are 70 days until the presidential election. Cocaine trends after an unsettling RNC night one, the FDA admits it lied about plasma and the postmaster doesn't know how much a stamp costs.

Note: Is it safe to come out now? Is the lady with flames where her eyes should be still yelling at us? Is the president still paying her to date his son? Is his son still wide awake and shouting and doing dangerous amounts of speed? Yeah, we tried to watch most of last night's carnival of whining and mediocrity, but we frankly got tired of hearing how not-racist America is while we were waiting to hear if Jacob Blake lived after being shot in the back seven times. It's weird how his name never came up while we were busy losing respect for Herschel Walker. It really is something to hear a coked out Don Junior declare "that's why we ended racism" right before the St. Louis Grand Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee Dragons took to the airwaves to warn the rest of America that Black people are coming for them too if Joe Biden gets elected. Sadly, there are people dumb enough to believe this shit. They are white people who are secretly racist but would swear up and down that they aren't. Some of their best friends are Black people, and they would've watched Get Out for a third time if they could have. Nikki Haley even declared this is not a racist country. You wanna know how we know she's wrong? Because it's the same country that made a birther fucking game show host president, it's the same country that might re-elect him even though he's let 175,000 Americans die and it's the same country that destroyed itself after we elected a Black president. We know damn well what this nation is. But we also know what it can be. And if any of those deranged fuckers from last night get to decide, well, the answer to the question "what the hell do you have to lose?" is "a helluva lot." You're welcome for this shot of sunny optimism. 

Note two: If you watched the Lakers game last night instead, we totally don't blame you. Especially since Lebron James continues to do amazing stuff like this (it's a news story; not a highlight clip)... More: New York Times

Note three: If you found last night a little depressing, don't worry, you can hear another Michelle Obama speech tonight. Unfortunately, the tennis pavilion lady will be delivering it.

Note four: It's crazy that Junior isn't the one in trouble. Dude looked like he did a whole tanker truck full of blow last night. But Eric is a scumbag too… More: Washington Post

Note five: This is an important one from WaPo. How to keep your mail-in ballot from being rejected… More: Washington Post

Note six: This Kanye thing is going great… More: Casper Star Tribune

Note seven: It's pretty bold running on a plan that would bankrupt Social Security in just three years, but that's why they get to steal the big bucks… More: CNN

Note eight: Jacob Blake is paralyzed from the waist down. We didn't see a statement of condolences or concern from Ron Johnson. He did, however, put one out demanding the National Guard be unleashed to put down protesters. We're praying for Mr. Blake and his family. And we're praying for an America that allows this to keep happening. More: CNN

Note nine: How fucking gross is it watching the Trumps use the White House like it's Mar-a-Lago? We're gonna need to power wash the living hell out of that place.

Note 10: Always remember that the Lord is watching. And always be mindful that Jerry Falwell might be too. More: Wall Street Journal

Note 11: Tuesdays suck. Tuesdays during an unhinged Republican convention are even worse. But you wear it well. In fact, we are endlessly amazed by how you thrive during such nightmarish times. Anyway, we love you, and we're damn grateful you joined us today. Have a fantastic day.

Night One

We've already recapped most of it, but basically the goal was to make white people in the suburbs think two things 1. Trump isn't a racist and 2. He's just racist enough that he'll keep Black people away from your home. The whole thing was disgusting, and it's pretty hilarious watching out-of-touch political reporters trying to figure out if it will work. Well, they're right to wonder. Obviously we're not the target audience, but we thought the whole thing was an ugly joke. Tonight we get to hear from a recent immigrant who has done some truly degrading jobs, a bloated jackass politicizes diplomacy by coming to us live from Israel and a miserable little shit from Kentucky will explain how he narrowly escaped death at the hands of his senior citizen neighbor. It's gonna suck ass. Tune in! More: The Daily Beast, The Daily Beast II, Politico, CNN

"Grossly misrepresented" 

After painting a way too rosy picture of the benefits of convalescent plasma on Sunday night, FDA head and pathetic Trump kiss ass Stephen Hahn was forced to walk back some of his grand pronouncements yesterday. In a long and weasley tweet thread, Hahn swore up and down that politics will never interfere with FDA decisions. Then he wrote this: "I have been criticized for the remarks I made Sunday night about the benefits of convalescent plasma. The criticism is entirely justified. What I should have said better is that the data show a relative risk reduction not an absolute risk reduction." If you're just hearing this here for the first time, it's because our national political media are broken beyond repair. Also, Fauci is back with a warning about vaccines, but again, he's not a coked up jackass on a stage somewhere so who cares, right? More: New York Times, Reuters


Katie Porter did it again. Porter, who has emerged as one of the freshmen members you definitely don't want to see when you're testifying about something you fucked up, got a chance to grill Louis DeScumbag yesterday, and it did not disappoint. Yeah, she asked him how much it costs to mail a postcard, and he just couldn't do it. It was also a blast to see even a conservative Democrat like Jim Cooper asking DeJoy if his plan is to get a pardon like Roger Stone. Keep up the heat! More: Buzzfeed News

Today's clips

President Trump wins significantly less trust than Joe Biden on who provides accurate information about the coronavirus — but neither one is trusted by even half the country, in the latest installment of the Axios-Ipsos Coronavirus Index.
More: Axios

"Everything I know about the Constitution, I learned from you on 'Fox & Friends,'" President Donald Trump once told Judge Andrew Napolitano.
More: CNN

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo's decision to deliver remarks to the Republican National Convention this week is a break from all sorts of norms and precedents designed to keep America's chief diplomat out of the partisan fray.
More: Politico

House Homeland Security chairman Bennie Thompson (D-Miss.) sent a letter to the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) on Monday demanding that the agency turn over documents related to its interactions with the "We Build the Wall" campaign, whose founding members were indicted for fraud last week.
More: Axios

Facing signs of slippage in his appeal among religious voters who helped seal his victory in 2016, Trump is carving out a deliberate and vocal message this week to evangelicals and Catholics who may be tempted to stay home on Election Day due to frustrations over the faltering U.S. economy, ongoing coronavirus pandemic or recent Supreme Court losses. Through night after night of programming, the president's team hopes to remind religious Americans of the battles Trump has fought on numerous cultural fronts and scare them into believing their lives will irrevocably change if Democrats rise to power.
More: Politico

A group of onetime Republican presidential appointees who served as senior ethics or Justice Department aides are endorsing Joe Biden for president, warning that Donald Trump has "weaponized" the executive branch and is putting in peril the legitimacy of the Justice Department.
More: Politico



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