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8.27.20

It's Thursday. There are 68 days until the presidential election. Trump's white people shit on protesting Black people, Kellyanne says Kenosha is great for Trump as the right embraces a murderer and the freak show finally comes to an end.

Note: Is Mike Pence still talking? No? Ok good. Is Mike Pence still a homophobic douche bag? Yeah, we figured. We just don't know what to do with that guy. We'd call him a gutless little mouse dick but he seems to get off on humiliation. Wow. Sorry. That's a lot to throw at someone this early in a newsletter. Hi. How are you? You look fantastic, and your breath is like an ocean breeze. So yeah, we're not gonna call Mike Pence a gutless little mouse dick because he seems to get off on humiliation. Hmmm. The small talk really didn't help, did it? Oh well. Moving on. And we're sorry. Mike Pence brings out the worst in us and we don't want to kinkshame him for getting off on being humiliated by Trump, millions of Americans and life in general. If that's his thing, we can dig it. But what we can't dig and frankly what we won't dig, Michael, is your war against science that has gotten thousands killed, your war against common sense that has gotten millions unemployed and your war on decency by being the chief buttlick to the most heinous orange butt in history. He is truly just a jelly bean that Reagan shat out and someone named Mike (or Mouth Penis if you're an old school reader who was rightfully horrified the first time we made this joke so it really makes you wonder why we would bring it up again shit this convention is making us damb. We mean dumb. Look away. Save yourselves. It's too late for us. And don't worry about Mouth Penis. That dude is the fucking worst.) Should we just end this note now? Yeah, that seems like a good idea.

Note two: Y'all want something to smile about after Pence's speech and that really odd first note? Joltin' Joe Biden is going to use the ramp footage in an ad tonight to troll Trump. Let's say that again. JOE BIDEN IS GOING TO USE THE RAMP FOOTAGE IN AN AD TONIGHT TO TROLL TRUMP. It's like TBS Christmas. Git 'em, Joe. More: Washington Post

Note three: It's really to our eternal shame as a country that we let Trump and his henchmen fuck with this patriotic family… More: Associated Press

Note four: Remember yesterday when white guy reporters were telling us how great the fucking optics were of Trump attending a naturalization ceremony? The immigrants had no idea they were being used for politics. As David Corn pointed out yesterday, their first experience as Americans, was being used by their president for a cheap stunt. More: Wall Street Journal

Note five: We haven't spent a ton of time on Miles Taylor, the former DHS douche who saw the light and is now revealing all the horrible shit Trump wanted to do to immigrants. But maybe we should. More: Washington Post

Note six: Facebook has quite the body count these days… More: The Verge

Note seven: Remember this? More: Washington Post

Note eight: We're gonna go out on a limb here and say these Falwell and Cohen characters sound a tad shady… More: CNN

Note nine: We're sending thoughts and prayers to the folks in the path of Hurricane Laura. And these are real thoughts and prayers and not that bullshit Republicans send after a school shooting.

Note 10: So things can feel pretty bleak these days. Yesterday was certainly a rough one if you're an American with a functioning heart and no MAGA hat. Oddly, it feels like we're entering a season of both hope and despair. The hope comes from our ability to change things. Our despair comes from the possibility that we won't and the reality of just how much we have to change. But we do have a few tips that will help. 1. Make a plan to vote. Taking action is always the best course. 2. Send a few bucks to a close Senate campaign. Get invested. 3. Watch My Cousin Vinny. It's hilarious and heartwarming and just an all-around delight. Beyond that, just work your hot asses off to get this deranged scumbag and his enablers out of office. We love y'all, and we hope you have a wonderful day.

Courage

Yesterday, just before the Milwaukee Bucks and the Orlando Magic were set to tip off in Game Five of their playoff series, word got out that the Bucks were still in their locker room and thinking about boycotting the game to protest police shooting Jacob Blake in the back seven times. And that's what they did. For three hours, these Black men in pain, stayed in that locker room, doing conference calls with their elected officials back in Wisconsin. Soon, the rest of the sports world followed suit. Lebron James took to twitter to declare, "FUCK THIS MAN!!!! WE DEMAND CHANGE. SICK OF IT." Late last night news broke that James and Kawhi Leonard were leading a charge to strike for the rest of the season. The Trump administration reacted as gross and horribly as you'd imagine. Jared Kushner, the spoiled rotten clown prince of Trumpland, said he would be reaching out to James and then admonished the players, saying they have the financial luxury of taking the night off and saying they should offer real concrete solutions instead of slogans. Someone tell this little bitch about James's Promise School or his serious efforts to get more voters to the polls. And it got worse. Mike Pence's chief of staff Marc Short said the protests were "absurd and silly. If they want to protest, I don't think we care." Yeah, this is what they are. Nobody tell Herschel Walker. More: USA Today, USA Today IIWashington Post, CNBC, CNN

When is she leaving?

With Kenosha, Wisc. on fire and a local police force making excuses for a fucking murderer, Kellyanne Conway said on Fox News this morning that all the chaos is good for Trump's re-election prospects because he's the law and order candidate. Yeah, she really said that. Then she said this: "These are Democratically-led cities and most with Democratic governors. This is not Donald Trump's watch." Cool. So Eva Braun Barbie admits that Trump is only the president of Fox News viewers. We were actually really moved by Kellyanne's claims last night that Trump is super duper compassionate, but we question the optics of her nose literally growing while she drained the blood from live rats with her fangs. Optics talk is silly though. Kellyanne will be missed. By someone. Probably. Maybe not. Maybe like one of those people who writes to death row prisoners and proposes marriage. Yikes. Anyway, it gets worse. You know that pasty little asshole who drove to Kenosha from Illinois to murder people and hang with his cop buddies? HE WAS FRONT ROW AT A TRUMP RALLY. And so yeah, Tucker Carlson and the rest of the right wing carnival of morons and scumbags have decided the little shit is a hero. These people are really pushing for more violence this election season. Y'all be safe! More: Buzzfeed News, The Daily Beast

Almost over

We'll keep this section short because we are flat out of fucks to give about this crap. Trump's convention is finally coming to an end. Last night Mike Pence lied to the nation and kissed a lot of ass. It's what he does. Tonight we're gonna hear from a drunken cousin-fucker and the president of the United States. They're both going to lie to us a lot. So expect new tone bullshit from the pundits tomorrow. It really has been grotesque to watch, and we're damn glad it's over. NO LINKS

Today's clips

President Trump has slashed immigration levels. He has attacked Black Lives Matter as "a symbol of hate." He has been accused by numerous women of sexual misconduct. He has a single African American Cabinet member.

But over the course of this week's Republican National Convention, Trump and the GOP have attempted to project an image of a president who has tended compassionately, and even personally, to the needs of racial minorities, immigrants and women.
More: Washington Post

On at least that last point, Trump was apparently correct. The death of Federal Protective Services Officer David Underwood in Oakland, Calif., was not perpetrated by Black Lives Matter protesters or by looters who were taking advantage of the unrest. Rather, Underwood's death on May 29 came after he was allegedly shot by Steven Carrillo, an Air Force staff sergeant who claimed to be acting as part of a far-right movement aimed at sowing chaos and discord. Carrillo was associated with the "boogaloo" movement, which hopes to spur a second American Civil War. The act, in other words, was much closer to "domestic terror" than the vandalization of the Lincoln Memorial.
More: Washington Post

White House Coronavirus Task Force member Dr. Anthony Fauci said he was undergoing surgery and not in the August 20 task force meeting for the discussion on updated US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention guidelines that suggest asymptomatic people may not need to be tested for Covid-19, even if they've been in close contact with an infected person.
More: CNN

Donald Trump Jr. is urging voters to cast absentee ballots in robocalls detected across the nation Wednesday — even as his father continues to rail against widespread mail-in voting.
More: Politico

The FBI's counterintelligence division does not appear to have investigated national security risks connected to President Donald Trump's foreign financial ties, the House Intelligence Committee said Wednesday in a newly released legal analysis.
More: Politico

The U.S. Chamber of Commerce is poised to endorse nearly two dozen freshmen House Democrats for reelection, triggering a revolt within the right-leaning organization and drawing fierce pushback from the group's powerful GOP donors.
More: Politico

 









 

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