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8.12.20

It's Wednesday. There are 83 days until the presidential election. Biden's pick leaves Republicans more confused and clueless than usual, the GOP continues to show its true colors by sending another racist Q whackjob to Congress and wondering where the Secretary of Education has gone off to.

Note: WHO'S READY TO GET NASTY?!!!!! Goddamn, we are excited! We don't know about y'all, but we've been happy dancin' with tears of joy since Biden announced Kamala Harris as his running mate yesterday. What a wonderful day to be a Democrat. What a wonderful day to be an American. Our goosebumps have goosebumps. We'll get to the embarrassing GOP response in the news section, but we want to take a minute to talk about how exciting this is. The first Black woman selected on a national ticket. The first South Asian woman on a national ticket. The first woman on a ticket to kick the shit out of Mike Pence. Figuratively, of course. She's a Howard grad who eats scumbags like Brett Kavanaugh and Bill Barr for breakfast. Y'all, we've got our fighter, and she's a badass brawler. Who's ready to win this fucking race?! 

Note two: Since we're selfish assholes, we also want to thank Joe Biden for making this selection before we take a couple days off. Yeah, just a reminder that we're gonna make today our Friday and take an extended weekend to recharge the ol' batteries. If you have any fun or dangerous staycation ideas, hit "reply" and let us know. Do they still make lawn darts? Or meth?

Note three: The usual disclaimer that all jokes about drug use were neither seen nor approved by Adam. He was way too fucked up to look at them. We kid, we kid. Y'all know he's too straight-laced for that. 

Note four: "From the very beginning, our side has tried everything possible to find common ground and deliver more help." Those are actual words spoken by Moscow Mitch McConnell on the Senate floor yesterday. Here's a list of all the reporters who called him out for lying...

Note five: Congrats to Rep. Omar! Republicans spent more than $13 million trying to kick her out, and the voters told them to shove it. The national political press corps must be furious. 

Note six: Ari Fleischer was on tv talking about what Black people want. That's it. That's the joke.

Note seven: Yikes. If you're old enough to remember, Lou Holtz was a pretty decent football coach. Now he's just a sad deranged old fuck who goes on Fox and says college football players should be like the soldiers at Normandy. "There were going to be risks," he said. Ok, buddy, you go first. 

Note eight: In the picture of Biden telling Harris he's the pick, did y'all see the framed picture on Biden's desk of a Hagar the Horrible comic strip?! We laughed about that A LOT. Like this is the dude the Trump campaign accuses regularly of being a dangerous radical anarchist, and we can totally picture him rolling up on you and asking if you saw the latest Garfield. 

Note nine: Y'all want to see something cool? We missed the original trailer when it came out last year, but this Fresh Prince reboot got greenlit. So creative. More: Buzzfeed News

Note 10: Finally someone in the Trump administration who doesn't trust Putin. And of course it's Fauci. More: National Geographic

Note 11: Speaking of Russia, they're attacking us again and useful idiots like Ted Cruz and Don Jr. are helping them do it. More: New York Times

Note 12: Yeah, the notes are out of control. We don't think we've ever done a 12th one before. While we are obviously all thinking about Kamala and all the amazing shit she brings to the ticket, we want to take a minute to praise Karine Jean-Pierre, the first Black person in history to serve as the running mate's chief of staff. Congrats!!! More: NBC News

Note 13: A 13th note?! Well this is just getting absurd. But we're off the next few days, and we're trying to get as much in as we can. We're nearing the homestretch. Are you doing something to elect Democrats every day? Are you fired up? Are you ready to kick these scumbags to the curb? Well good, because 538 put out their initial election forecast this morning and they give Trump a 29 percent chance of winning. It's the same percentage they gave him last time. His approval number is already rising because people are fucking idiots. We've got a war on our hands. Y'all ready? Of course you are. You're too smart and gorgeous not to be. We love y'all. Have a wonderful few days, and don't wake us up unless the country is on fire. Scratch that. Just don't wake us up. See y'all Monday! 

Dazed and confused racist as hell 

Despite having months to prepare for Kamala on the ticket, Republicans were confused and incoherent and racist as hell as they tried to attack the good senator on her first day on the ticket. Trump just pissed himself and kept calling her "nasty." When he went on Hannity last night, he kept forgetting he was supposed to attack her. Tucker Carlson was is usual dicKKKhead self, blowing a gasket when one of his guests tried to correct Tucker's mispronunciation of her name. We get it, Tucker. We do it too. When we try to say Tucker it comes out Whiny Spoiled Rotten Racist Douchebag Man Baby. They even trotted out a confederate statue covered in bird shit to say that "security moms… don't want a vice president who is out marching in the streets with the BLM organization." Ok fine, it wasn't a statue, it was Marsha Blackburn. And that piece of trash wouldn't pronounce Kamala correctly either. By this morning, Trump was still struggling, reverting to his segregation plan for the suburbs and for some reason we just can't figure out including Cory Booker. They're confused, and they are desperate so great pick, Joe. Great work, Kamala. More: NBC News, CNN

Qwazy fuckers

A racist Q moron won her primary last night, promptly kicking out reporters from her victory party and declaring he is going to kick "this bitch" Nancy Pelosi out of Congress. While Republican leadership was frozen by the continued lunacy of their own party, Trump declared this fucking idiot a rising star in the GOP. Tragically, he's probably right. We got a glimpse of the future of the two parties yesterday. Ours is Kamala Harris. There's is a fucking moron who thinks Democrats are satanist pedophiles whot literally eat children. We like our future way better. Hey lady, wait until you hear how your orange god talks about fucking his own daughter. More: Washington Post

We don't need no education (secretary)

Thank you to NBC for writing a story about how pro-school rapist Education Secretary Betsy DeVos has been missing in action as the nation struggles with sending our kids back to school amid a deadly pandemic. Holed up at her Michigan mansion, DeVos has done exactly jack shit to make it safe for our kids to go back to school. So she continues to be a perfect fit for the Trump administration. For some other fun reading, check out why Dr. Sanjay Gupta says he's not sending his kids back to school. And if you want to know what it's going to look like when schools do reopen, take a look at Georgia. More: NBC News, CNN, Buzzfeed News

Today's clips

Parents lie awake, their minds racing with thoughts of how to balance work with their newfound role as home-schoolers. Frontline health workers are bone tired, their nerves frayed by endless shifts and constant encounters with the virus and its victims. Senior citizens have grown weary of isolation. Unemployed workers fret over jobs lost, benefits that are running out, rent payments that are overdue. Minority communities continue to shoulder the disproportionate burden of the contagion's impact, which in recent weeks has killed an average of about 1,000 people a day.
More: Washington Post

College football games canceled or postponed near 1,000
More: Associated Press

"Mail is beginning to pile up in our offices, and we're seeing equipment being removed," said Kimberly Karol, president of the Iowa Postal Workers Union and a postal clerk in Waterloo, Iowa. (Ed. Note: Most of this story is typical NPR both-sides bullshit, but the quotes from postal workers are important. Remember when NPR didn't suck?)
More: NPR

President Donald Trump's interest in taking intelligence briefings has been declining steadily since his first months in office and has dropped to near zero in recent weeks, according to a HuffPost review of all of his daily schedules.
More: Yahoo/Huff Post

The State Department did not fully consider the risk of civilian casualties when it approved more than $8 billion in arms sales to Middle Eastern countries last year, according to a redacted inspector general report released Tuesday.
More: Politico

President Trump's senior aides acknowledged on Tuesday that they are providing less financial assistance for the unemployed than the president initially advertised amid mounting blowback from state officials of both parties.
More: Washington Post

Charlottesville keeps happening, all over America
More: Washington Post

 












 

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