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8.17.20

It's Monday. There are 78 days until the presidential election. Convention week gets started as Democrats return to Capitol Hill, America passes another grim COVID milestone as the president says he's doing "phenomenally" and polls are meaningless garbage sent by our enemies to confuse us.

Note: What in the wide world of sports? How did y'all manage to get better looking in the short time we were away? You gotta tell us your secret. Yeah, we're back. And we're tanned, rested and recharged. Just kidding. We barely unplugged at all, and we're still the same haggard worn out lunatics we were when we left. Taking a vacation in Trumpland is like deciding to take a nap after you hear someone has broken into your house. There we were last Thursday, hibernating like some cuddly ass bears, when this little ant came along and told us that the heinous butt mouths in the White House were running another fucking racist ass campaign against our Kamala. We fired up the TBS-mobile and prepared to make a mad dash to the TBS Cave for a special "Birthers fuck ugly goats" edition, but we were convinced to stick to the time off. But now we're back, and we are ready -- hell, we are goddamn excited -- to discuss the next backwards birther scumbag who even looks at Kamala wrong. 

Note two: Did you hear that the MyPillow guy has another miracle cure that Trump is actually taking seriously? Yeah, we're all gonna die. The thing about the MyPillow guy is we know that he's an idiot. Not because he smoked crack, but because he doesn't smoke crack now that Trump is president. Dudes got it backwards. Smoking crack before Trumpland wasn't cool. You know, just say no or some self-defeating basic shit like that. But thanks to Trump, everyone is smoking crack now. Are we right, everybody? Um. Right? Why is everyone looking at us like that? C'mon... Don't act like you don't... EVERYONE IS DOING IT!!! YOU KNOW BECAUSE OF TRUMP!!! AMD BECAUSE WE LIKE TO PARTY AND BE AWESOME!!! (Editor's note within a note: Much like addiction to cocaine can do to a person, this joke totally got away from us. Maybe we're a little rusty. Maybe it's all the crack. Either way, we're just gonna call it on this one and move on to the next note). More: Axios

Note three: Adam is gonna kill us for all these crack jokes. So don't do drugs. Or at least don't do hard drugs. After Trump leaves office. Or on Sundays. Of if the MyPillow guy gives them to you. 

Note four: Here's a riddle for you. Q: What do you call a First Lady who refuses to take her husband's hand? A: Birther trash. 

Note five: 130 degrees in Death Valley? The theory that we're all in an episode of Lost where we're all actually in hell is getting stronger by the day. Also seems like a really stupid time to have a climate denier as president. More: Washington Post

Note six: Garrett Graff has another amazing piece… More: Wired

Note seven: We haven't forgotten how Sean Hannity and the ghouls at Fox tortured poor Seth Rich's family. We're happy to see at least one journalist hasn't either… More: Rolling Stone

Note eight: Dolly Parton and Taylor Swift. Two Tennessee ladies kicking ass and momentarily making us forget about Marsha Blackburn. More: Teen Vogue, Billboard

Note nine: It's insane how little play this story got. Did House Democrats know this when they questioned Barr or did their Senate colleagues leave them in the dark?! More: LA Times

Note 10: We've got great news, everybody. Sure, millions are unemployed, more than 1,000 Americans are dying a day from something we could've prevented and everything is pretty fucking awful right now but Melania finished the Rose Garden renovations so we can all celebrate that. Thank you, you eurotrash idiot, for demonstrating for the world how callous and clueless your trashy ass really is. The world might feel sorry for you. We do not. More: CNN

Note 11: We could go on with the notes forever as we dig out from under the pile of rancid shit that is the news from the past four days. Instead we'll just move on and say we really missed you. We love writing this newsletter, we love hearing from you and we love knowing that we're in this battle with gorgeous badass patriots like you. We'll probably try to take another day or two after the conventions, but we promise to keep it short. Ok, who's ready to kick some ass this week?

On Wisconsin

There are some anti-Badgers here who throw up every time we use that, but it seemed to kinda sorta fit. That's because our convention, such as it is, gets underway this week in Milwaukee-ish. Expect most of the daily coverage to be reporters coming up with new and creative ways to tell us there's nobody actually there, and expect us to be like "yeah, because there's a deadly pandemic, dumbasses." But this is still a damn exciting week. We've got a rockin' ticket with two all-stars, and we've got a long list of awesome speakers and a short list of shitty speakers (who the fuck wants to hear from Bloomberg except maybe some labor lawyers?). It's not normal, but that's what happens when you make a gameshow host president. Still, we're gonna have a blast this week, and we're gonna finish it fired up and ready to motherfuckin' go. Fortunately, House Democrats are doing the same. After some embarrassing missteps and dawdling which fortunately we weren't here to trash, the House is returning to work to hold a vote on protecting the postal service and to have an emergency hearing with Trump's scumbag lackey. Let's hope our people bring their A game. We don't need a repeat of the Bill Barr joke from a couple weeks ago. This is some critical shit. More: Associated Press, Washington Post, Washington Post II, Washington Post III, Axios, NBC News

170,000

That's what the death toll passed this weekend while the president was playing golf. Yeah, his own brother was dying too, so we guess we're not special that he's ignoring our deaths. How fucking hilarious is it that these assholes call themselves pro-life? Yeah, America is royally fucked. Testing has slowed down as deaths have gone up. Trump is pushing miracle cures and patting himself on the back while the NBA actually makes advances in testing. We're no longer getting accurate information, and the company Trump hired says it can't brief the Senate because of an NDA. Meanwhile an education crisis awaits as students and teachers and school staff who don't go to school suffer and those who do go to school are risking their own safety and that of their caregivers. Jared said he was gonna send his kids back to school, and the interviewer apparently bought that shit. Americas are getting evicted from their homes left and right, and kids in Florida are getting infected at much higher rates. In short, America is on a path to doom. Axios, New York Times, Washington Post, Washington Post II, AJC, CNN, ESPN

Ignore them all

So which poll did you like from the weekend? The one that showed Biden-Harris winning 78 states by eleventy kajillion points or the one from CNN that showed how much America hates Biden and itself? We're kidding obviously, but we're gonna stick to our advice to ignore this shit. Now, since we know nobody will actually do that, let's just say this. Any poll before the conventions is meaningless. Any poll before Harris was announced are meaningless. We're going through two weeks of fog. We'll get a better sense of what this race will look like down the homestretch when we get some polling about a week after the GOP convention. Until then, act like we're losing. And after then, act like we're losing and your hair is on fire. 

Today's clips (and some from last week)

Top Republicans, including President Donald Trump and House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy, are embracing their party's nominee for a House seat in Georgia, despite her history of racist and anti-Semitic remarks and promotion of the baseless QAnon conspiracy theory.
More: CNN

Pentagon officials working on Defense Secretary Mark Esper's cost-cutting review of the department have proposed slashing military health care by $2.2 billion, a reduction that some defense officials say could effectively gut the Pentagon's health care system during a nationwide pandemic.
More: Politico

Several months after Diamond & Silk were dumped by Fox News for promoting crazed COVID-19 conspiracy theories, the Trump-worshipping vlogging superstars have seemingly declared war on the right-wing cable network.
More: The Daily Beast

Given the crisis facing the United States Postal Service before a presidential election, the last thing John Herter expected to receive in the mail Saturday was an absentee ballot request form with President Donald Trump's face on it.
More: CNN

The U.S. Postal Service in recent weeks unplugged two of its six delivery bar code sorters from its East 38th Street processing facility in Erie.
More: GoErie.com

President Trump's unprecedented attacks on the U.S. Postal Service amid widespread mail delays across the country are shaking voters' faith that their ballots will be counted, prompting a rush among federal, state and local officials to protect the integrity of the Nov. 3 election.
More: Washington Post

An enormous crowd of protesters gathered in Minsk Sunday to demand a new presidential election in Belarus, while the embattled President Alexander Lukashenko held a smaller rival demonstration nearby.
More: CNN

This fall could be the worst in the history of American public health if people do not heed guidance from health officials to stop the coronavirus, CDC Director Dr. Robert Redfield warned Wednesday. Redfield said skyrocketing cases of COVID-19 combined with the annual flu season could create the "worst fall" that "we've ever had."
More: CBS News

Postmaster General Louis DeJoy's significant financial ties to the industry in which his agency operates have worried ethics experts and some lawmakers since their initial disclosure three months ago. But the issue resurfaced, along with some calls for an investigation, this week after CNN reported that DeJoy still holds at least $30 million in stock in XPO Logistics, a contractor company that processes mail for USPS. ABC News separately reviewed a federal disclosure report that said DeJoy retained the stocks as of mid-June.
More: ABC News


The internal watchdog at the United States Postal Service is reviewing controversial policy changes recently imposed under Postmaster General Louis DeJoy, and is also examining DeJoy's compliance with federal ethics rules, according to a spokeswoman for the USPS inspector general and an aide to Sen. Elizabeth Warren, who requested the review.
More: CNN

Sen. Ron Johnson this week said his probe of Obama-era intelligence agencies would help President Donald Trump win reelection, igniting fury from Democrats who say it was an explicit admission he's using his committee to damage Joe Biden's candidacy for president.
More: Politico

 
























 

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