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8.20.20

It's Thursday. There are 75 days (about 1,800 hours) until the presidential election. America gets its first Q president, Trumpland has a rough morning in Manhattan and the nation meets its next vice president.

Note: What a night! And we're going to talk about it. A lot. Hell, we could go all day about Gabby Giffords alone. But there is something we just have to talk about first. It's not remotely the top news of yesterday or this morning, and it's probably not even that important. But goddamn it cracks us up. You see, he did it again. The president of the United States again reminded everyone he is dumber than a detached butt cheek. Oh TBS, he does that all the time. Why is this different? Why are you so much better looking than Politico's Playbook? Well first of all, thank you. Second, we hear you. We know he stared at an eclipse, wanted to nuke a hurricane and can't spell hamburger or Kentucky. But we've also got two words for you -- invisible planes. Yeah, our dipshit president once again yesterday made clear he thinks the U.S. military has developed and is using invisible planes. Like Wonder Woman's. Seriously. Trump is a galaxy of dumb, and it can be easy to just see space and not see the individual stars. But when you look at one of them, like one that says there are invisible planes, you stop wondering how he let 170,000 Americans die and you realize this was always going to happen. So maybe next time, let's not elect the dumbest motherfucker on the planet. Cool? Cool. 

Note two: If any of you like to smoke herpes-laced meth, you're gonna need a new dealer. Steve Bannon was taken into custody this morning. We'll talk about it in the news section, but we thought you should know.

Note three: Was that the best President Obama has ever been? Maybe not, but it was Top 10. And what did we get from the pundits? A fucking history debate about whether any former president has ever hit his successor so hard. Good work as usual, DC press. We can't adequately describe just how few shits we give about how harsh President Obama sounded. That was a dark fucking warning for a people on the edge of a cliff and in real damn danger of going over, and we hope it was seared into the mind of every American. That man looked straight into our souls and made certain we all know just how serious this is. Everything is at stake. Everything. He didn't end with hope. He ended by telling us to "stay safe." Because that's what we say to each other in Trump's America. Stay safe. So if you want to be a less shitty pundit, maybe consider the billion other norms and laws that were shattered before a decent and caring patriot issued a dire warning to his fellow Americans. 

Note four: "I know a predator when I see one." Dayum.

Note five: Well it sure looks like Putin tried to murder Russian opposition leader Aleksey Navalny. Navalany's tea was poisoned as he was traveling from Siberia to Moscow, forcing his plane to make an emergency landing where he was hospitalized and placed on a ventilator. You'll be shocked to learn that our president, who lies often about being tougher on Russia than anyone, hasn't said a damn word about it today. He is however mad about twitter trending topics again. More: The Daily Beast

Note six: Really want to lose your shit over the damage Trump has done to the postal service? Read this… More: Press Herald

Note seven: Thank you to WaPo's Margaret Sullivan for calling out NBC's bullshit with AOC. But don't be shocked that the same assholes who gave us The Apprentice and season two of Joey also suck at the news. If it weren't for Nicole Wallace, we'd be finding a way to bootleg the news ourselves. Like we kinda are. More: Washington Post

Note eight: Remember normal America where if a president told Ohioans and Goodyear tires to go fuck themselves over a piece of goddamn campaign paraphernalia the race would be over because it would be considered one of the biggest screw ups ever? Dude even said the people who lose their jobs because of a boycott can easily find good paying jobs elsewhere. Yeah, he said that yesterday and today we found out that another 1.1 million Americans filed new unemployment claims last week. Oh and 60,000 people work for Goodyear. We gotta hand it to Team Biden. Instead of just blasting out a press release, Joe called up a reporter at Akron Beacon. That's just good press work. More: Beacon Journal, The Hill, CNN, Politico

Note nine: Well tonight's the big night. Tonight Joe Biden makes his case to the American people. We know Joltin' Joe is gonna bring his A game, and we are damn excited to see it. Is anybody else still crying from Kamala talking about her mom? Yeah, us neither. Just dusty as hell in here. Anyway, we hope you're having an awesome week and that you're enjoying this super weird super awesome convention. Wear a mask, wear a condom, make a plan to vote, don't eat yellow snow and don't hitchhike unless your feet are really tired. Love y'all!

Qwazy piece of shit

Yesterday the president of the United States stood in the White House briefing room and encouraged, winked at and coddled a dangerous and delusional American cult. Yeah, the dumbest dumb shit in history endorsed the idiots who believe Democrats are running a secret satanic pedophilia ring where they eat children and either killed JFK Jr. or he's still alive. This dangerous cult has already caused bloodshed, and creamsicle crotch face is cheering them on from the White House. Just a reminder that the Combatting Terrorism Center at West Point calls Q a public security threat and a potential domestic security threat, and Trump is saying they just love their country. We want to congratulate the entire Republican Party for enabling this madness and tying themselves to it forever. This is quite a legacy, Mitch! More: CNN, The Daily Beast

Manhattan blues

We used up our good Steve Bannon joke in the notes, but who cares, that dirty motherfucker is in custody. And guess who took him into custody? The US Postal Service. We're not even making this up. Yeah, Bannon and three other scumbags were running a scam about building a wall and they were using the suckers' money for themselves. Bannon, Jabba the Hutt's older brother who really let himself go, will be arranged today on one count of conspiracy to commit wire fraud and one count of conspiracy to commit money laundering. Ouch. This wsa Trump's third campaign manager to face trouble with the law. The first one assaulted a femal reporter, the second one was a Russian agent and the third is on his way to the clink. Do we think this is why Barr was so desperate to install a loyalist at SDNY? Of course we do. And that's not where the New York pain ended this morning for Team Trump. No, a federal judge also dismissed Trump's latest desperate effort to keep his tax returns hidden. Who knows if we'll ever see them, but it does feel like we're getting closer. More: Axios, CNN

Night Three

Oh Gabby. Oh Elizabeth. Oh Hillary. Oh Nancy. Things aren't great in America these days, but we were reminded last night that we have leaders in our party who are sure worth following. We are a party of strong women, and we couldn't be prouder. And then there was Kamala. Momala!!! We really don't know how she could've been any better. We are so fucking proud of this ticket. Democrats made history last night. Kamala made history last night. And we are damn grateful we got to watch it, and we're damn excited to work for this ticket and make sure it wins. Oh and one last word about the real president's speech last night. Did you notice the extra level of rage-induced incoherence from Trump last night when he was shitting blood and all-capsing his crazy? Yeah, it would be a lot of fun watching him fall apart if he wasn't taking us all down with him. More: LA Times, CNN, The Daily Beast, ABC News

Today's clips

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer reiterated calls Wednesday for the U.S. Postal Service Board of Governors to disclose additional information about the selection of GOP donor Louis DeJoy for postmaster general.
More: Politico

President Donald Trump has repeatedly struggled to outline what his second-term policy agenda might look like. But last week he finally offered one specific policy he hopes to put in place if he's re-elected: a cut to the capital gains tax rate.
More: The Daily Beast

Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) is casting doubt on the Senate passing a stand-alone Postal Service bill, even as House Democrats prepare to pass their own legislation.
More: The Hill

President Trump demanded Congress shift "ridiculous" hearings about drastic cutbacks in postal service so they don't conflict with the Republican National Convention next week.
More: NY Daily News

Nearly 7 in 10 Americans say the US response to the coronavirus outbreak makes them feel embarrassed, according to a new CNN Poll conducted by SSRS, as 62% of the public says President Donald Trump could be doing more to fight the outbreak.
More: Steve Bannon

Pompeo and his aides initially tried to arrange for the chief U.S. diplomat and his family to live close to the State Department in the Potomac Hill campus, where the Navy maintained some homes. But ultimately the Pompeos moved into U.S. Army housing at the Fort Myer base in Virginia, according to people familiar with the issue.
More: Politico

 










 

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